TRANSVERSE THOUGHTS

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  Maya Angelou

Think about one person that has had a profoundly positive impact on you professionally.  Take a moment to reflect on how they have treated you and most importantly validated or even challenged your thoughts, assumptions and feelings when you were at your most vulnerable.  Chances are that this individual above all else is a genuine, skilled listener.

One of the most vital (and often overlooked) leadership skills is the art of what experts term “active listening.”

Prominent psychologist Carl Rogers defines it best.  He writes, “Despite the popular notion that listening is a passive approach, clinical and research evidence clearly shows that listening brings about changes in peoples attitudes toward themselves and others; it also brings about changes in their basic values and personal philosophy. People who have been listened to in this new and special way become more emotionally mature, more open to their experiences, less defensive, more democratic, and less authoritarian.”

Like any skill in life, active listening takes rigorous practice.  Also, you cannot truly be an active listener without a genuine interest in the other party and a sincere desire to communicate at a deeper level.  So when it comes to listening skills faking it will certainly not help you make it.

So what does active listening truly entail? Following are 5 key elements to keep in mind.

1. SILENCE YOUR MIND AND FOCUS

This is the most crucial (and difficult) step.  It is vital to clear your head of all thoughts, agendas and potential responses and give the speaker your undivided attention.  This sounds easy but actually is one of the toughest things to do.  Try this exercise that Marshall Goldsmith (a globally recognized executive coach) has his clients do.  Try to count to 50 without thinking about anything or anyone else at all.  Strong chances are that thoughts, action items or ideas will inevitably pop into your head.  The vast majority of senior executives cannot get to 50 without something else popping into their mind.  It is key to be able to clear your own head if you truly want to hear what someone else has to say.

2. BE AWARE OF NON VERBAL CUES AND LISTEN CLOSELY FOR WHAT IS NOT SAID

Your facial expression, body language, posture are of paramount importance.  Eye contact also makes a big difference to how someone perceives your willingness to truly hear what they have to say.   It’s important to note that you can be leaning to face someone and making eye contact but can come across not genuine at all if you are not giving them your undivided attention.  Faking your non verbal stance will only backfire. Also be aware to listen for meaning.  For example an employee telling you what frustrates them on a project might not be revealing everything in words.  Make sure to try to figure out why key people are not mentioned or certain facts omitted.  If something seems cryptic there is usually much more that needs to be uncovered –be sensitive and look for meaning in what is not said.

3. ZIP YOUR LIPS AND DO NOT INTERRUPT

Allow the individual to speak without interrupting their sentences or trying to finish them for them.  Chances are if constantly interrupted they will feel frustrated and not heard at all and will need to reiterate how they are feeling.  The conversation will inevitably begin a downward spiral.  Even if you are being attacked and need to respond assertively let the speaker finish what they have to say.  You will be amazed at how productive charged dialogues can become when someone has the time and space to air what they have to say without being interrupted.

4. CONFIRM UNDERSTANDING TO BUILD TRUST

Active listening is not about sitting in silence listening to someone else vent.  It is about creating trusting communication and taking the time to decipher what someone needs or is trying to tell you.  The fundamental way to create that trust is to focus on the perceived safeness of the environment you create.  There are various techniques that skilled active listeners use to confirm their understanding and build trust while continuing the dialogue.

a. Paraphrasing –  “what I am hearing you say is…”

b. Clarifying – “what exactly do you mean when you say…”

c.  Reframing – this is a bit different as you are providing more food for thought without blatantly disagreeing – “that’s one way of looking at it have you thought of perhaps considering it this way?”

5. FOCUS ON EMPATHIC COMMUNICATION AND MAKING THE OTHER PERSON SHINE

There is no dearth of messages in our culture about presenting ourselves well, speaking up, airtime that we must occupy at meetings that are bombarded at us every day.  I challenge you to stop trying to convince others about how brilliant, special and talented you might be.  Focus instead on making the person you are talking to shine.  Oprah Winfrey is a master at this.  She aims to bring out the story of the person she is interviewing – to make them shine in that moment.  It’s not about her – it’s really about them and time after time this generous and empathetic approach wins both her interviewee and audience over.  Look around your office at leaders that are universally respected (if there are any – I do recognize that some workplaces have few J) and you will notice that they do this.  In being empathetic and letting it be about someone else you will ultimately shine even brighter.

Given the diversity of clients I work with I can’t emphasize enough how vital active listening is.  It’s the million dollar skill.  It taps into a fundamental human need – to be truly understood and if you can do this well you will be in a different league.  So think about recent conversations you have had with your colleagues, your subordinates, your friends and approach your upcoming ones under the lens of the 5 key elements outlined above.

You cannot aim to be a truly great leader without being an outstanding listener.  Way above the feel good aspects of active listening there are phenomenal consequences for the culture you create, the creativity you enable and the loyalty you inspire.  And it’s never too late to start practicing.

Are there additional techniques that you use when listening that work effectively? We’d love to hear your thoughts.  Please share your perspectives on our facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/transverse.leadership

As an executive coach, I have the unique opportunity to work with some of the most inspiring established and emerging leaders out there. Entrepreneurs, educators, attorneys, engineers, bankers, architects – my clients come from all walks of life representing a wide array of industries and geographies. They are as diverse as you can imagine with the solid common thread being that they are inherently go-getters who are proactively carving out a professional path on their own terms.

Amongst this already impressive group there is a sub-segment of individuals that are in a league of their own. These are folks that have the self awareness and professional results that far exceed those of an already dynamic peer group. They are quite simply the crème de la crème – the cream of the crop. In observing this elite group some powerful trends emerge. Regardless of their age, gender, profession or personality profile they tend to share the following key characteristics highlighted below.

1. They recognize that it’s the marathon that counts and not the sprint

Careers are built over a lifetime – they have patience, perseverance and the maturity to truly understand that many of their initial roles are stepping stones and they do not have to arrive at their destination job yesterday.

2. They tackle adversity with humor and practice selective indifference

They recognize that the abusive boss or nasty co-worker has to be dealt with carefully but they can step away and laugh at the madness without internalizing or being brought down by it. Emotional disassociation is a skill they have mastered early in life. They know which people are worth expending and vesting emotional energy for. Also, they do not malign others – there is a quiet confidence that exudes here and a focusing of key energy on people and causes that are worthwhile while navigating tough situations.

3. They strive for excellence especially in interpersonal interactions

There is a genuine caring for people. They can be trusted and counted on, they respect the time of others, are responsive when contacted – their interpersonal conduct meets a high bar. They treat their worker bees with as much respect as they give the queen. There is a natural selflessness and self awareness in them about their impact on others and they are able to do this while producing the highest caliber work.

4. They ask fantastic questions

They truly get that you have to be able to ask key questions in order to get profound results. Many adults view asking questions when they might not have clear cut answers as a sign of inherent weakness but it is an absolutely critical factor in making successful professional transitions. They are not afraid to voice difficult questions and encourage others to do the same.

5. They are optimists by nature

The right attitude can truly make or break a career. These folks don’t always believe that they are too short for the part, or the book will never sell with that title or that they are going to get laughed out of the presentation or they are not cut out for a career in law. They are highly tenacious and keep going even when the world seems to be saying no they are saying yes to themselves.

6. They seek out the perspectives of those that matter

My highest performing clients understand that all perspectives are not equal. They know that their well meaning uncle is probably not the best advisor on careers in real estate or that a friend’s gut reaction is probably not always an accurate data point. They seek out opinions from experts – from folks who have walked the talk and from those that have actually attained results in their chosen industry or role. They recognize that credible perspectives are what really count.

7. They are multifaceted

Hobbies, passions and interests are as important as professional merits for this group. Quite simply these people are dynamic in the way that they live life. They have adventures – they value experiences – they always have an interesting story (and it’s not always one about office politics).

8. Their metrics for success are internally defined

These individuals are inspirational because they are not motivated by societal optics. Along with being really understated and down to earth, these folks have a strong internal compass. They don’t necessarily focus on how the world sees them – how they are perceived by others or what messages their lifestyle send to those around them about their power, status and success. They have a strong internal voice – they know who they are, who they want to be and where they are heading.

9. They don’t personalize failure

They are true to themselves even when others bail. This is perhaps the most critical trait because these folks have an inherent belief in themselves. Even when things don’t pan out as planned – they see it as a temporary setback and get right back on the horse. They learn from failures but they don’t believe they are a failure – this requires tremendous courage and resilience.

10. They have a life and protect it fiercely

Their spouses, children, extended family and friendships matter – they don’t just pay lip service to work/life balance – they live it– they prioritize significant relationships, deeply value true connections and are willing to walk away from opportunities that do not enable them to have this balance.

We are all works in progress and it’s rare to find someone who has nailed all of the above. The operative point is to look in the mirror and ask the tough questions of yourself. Are there additional characteristics you’d add based on your own experiences leading or working with the crème de la crème? I’d love to hear your perspectives: http://www.facebook.com/transverse.leadership

Are you going through a tricky patch on the career front?  Don’t despair – what follows are some key questions you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself. Answering them with brutal honesty can very well help you get back on track sooner than you expect and perhaps even take your career in a direction that is more personally fulfilling and to heights you never imagined.

1. “Do I really know what makes me tick?”

Anyone laid-off, on boarding after maternity leave or trying to break into a new industry can identify with the rollercoaster of frustration, exhaustion and (hopefully) eventual euphoria that major career transitions often bring with them.  If you can look past the tumult of these phases, one gift that emerges is that of time. A departure from the daily grind enables you to reflect and focus and presents a valuable opportunity to uncover what really makes you tick!  Now I don’t mean to make this sound simplistic because no one I have ever coached or worked with loves every aspect of their job.  However, the role to which you devote the majority of your waking hours has to provide some innate happiness and deep sense of purpose – you will never be really great or motivate others to be really great at something you are miserable doing.

You might have been working in the same industry for the last decade but what aspects of your work did you really love? What kind of role would make you feel fulfilled? How do you visualize your professional life 10 years from now? Have the audacity to dream about how you could earn a paycheck doing what you love.  Don’t despair if you feel like a totally blank slate when asking yourself the question of what really makes you tick.  Leverage the knowledge that close friends and colleagues have of your talents and strengths and test the waters through a range of short term projects.   For additional perspective consider taking a leadership assessment or working with a career coach.  It does take effort to uncover the answer — the operative point is to have the courage to seek it.

2. “Do I have a clear sense of bridge jobs and mid range career goals?”

Winston Churchill once said “success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”  Oftentimes people feel paralyzed by career transitions because their expectations are out of touch with the reality of their situation and the broader economic landscape.  Focusing on your vision is vital but you are not going to get your dream job as a fashion buyer right out of undergrad or your story on the front page of the New York Times because you are a stellar writer.

Every career path from medicine to management consulting has rites of passage – you have to have the patience and use critical experiences to learn and grow while keeping your eye on the ultimate goal.  Be proactive about figuring out what the key stepping stones to your dream or “destination” job are.  The best way to do this is to talk to as many people doing the kind of work you aspire to do and ask very specific questions.  How did they start out?  What did they wish they had known?  What were the most critical learning’s they had in their early roles?  Where do they think the industry is heading? Using this information, you need to develop a very clear set of actionable mid range goals and target bridge jobs. 

3. Have I created a community of supporters?

It is not uncommon for me to have clients call totally demoralized having sent out 500 resumes wondering why their phone is not ringing.  In times of transition, you need to be exceptionally strategic about how to approach and target opportunity and the most effective place to start is with the people who are familiar with the caliber of your work and talent.  Make a list of everyone you have worked with that can speak with some depth about the quality of your work.  Develop an action plan to reach out to each of these individuals to discuss opportunities and how you might proceed.  Ask them for their support in mentioning you to their networks and thinking of you when opportunities arise.  Further, I always encourage early career professionals to reach out to their professors as they often are linked to loyal alumni who are willing to make time for talented students. 

It’s important to be gentle with yourself as building a community of supporters happens over the span of you career and is a reciprocal process.  Be willing to help others, make introductions and open doors for those in your network and you will benefit greatly when you need advice, short term freelancing gigs or someone to give you a much needed break.

4. Can I articulate my unique value proposition?

Imagine being lucky enough to have a chance encounter in an elevator or on the subway with a senior leader at a company you are targeting – how would you present yourself? Could you articulate your value proposition to their organization in a 20 second elevator pitch? This is a critical question to be able to answer well.  I can’t tell you how many of my clients slave over the perfect resume and cover letters but get totally tongue tied when having to articulate what they are currently doing, what they have worked on, where they are heading and strengths/weaknesses in their leadership style. 

The fact that you are in transition is nothing to be ashamed of yet many let that emotion get the better of them – millions of people are in your shoes and its important to remember that being prepared and learned optimism are your best allies.  Its not about being overly aggressive or sales-like when talking about your talents and capabilities — what I am suggesting is that you exude a sense of confidence that gives a vital message to the person meeting you – I am qualified, I am competent, I am excited about your company and I feel we are a great fit for the following reasons i.e. I am a person you should consider interviewing.  Think carefully about what you would say – practice in front of a mirror if you have to.  At the end of the day the impression you make is often as important as the credentials you have.  Embrace it and use it to your advantage.

5. How am I nurturing myself?

This is the most important question of all.  Very often talented and goal-oriented individuals going through major career transitions feel that they don’t deserve a break or a splurge unless they have the results to justify it.  It’s true that perseverance and focus are vital to emerge positively from times of transition but it’s essential to step away and refuel in order to have the energy and perspective to keep going.  This is where your self discipline and awareness are vital as rejuvenating means different things to every person – a walk in the park, road trip with your kids, dinner with an old friend or solitude with a good book – figure out what works for you.  Making sure that you are making time for activities that center you will make a world of difference in terms of the quality of your outcome. 

I end with GE CEO, Jeffrey Immelt’s words as they epitomize the attitude that resilient and highly successful leaders across the globe have in times of adversity — “I’m an optimist. I’ve always believed the future is going to be better than the past. And I also believe I have a role in that. The great thing about human beings, myself in particular, is that I can change. I can do better. If you can get up every day, stay optimistic, and believe the future is better than the past, those few things get you through a lot of tough times.”

So view this time of transition as a gift – a chapter in your life that was game-changing.  Keep dreaming big and make some time to think through your own responses to the above five questions – you might be amazed at what you uncover.

(This post was first featured in a guest blog on alumrise.com)